Its been one month since she broke up with me.  This weekend would make the year she first came down to Los Angeles.  I remember that day,  I didn’t get lost.  I parked at the corner of the street and she came outside to greet me.  When I first saw her I swore time stopped and I couldn’t imagine how beautiful she was.  I spent a lot of good weekends at that place.  I made it my second home.  To me she was a fresh breathe of air from my secluded life at home.  It made me feel so alive again.  With her nothing mattered, failures from school, lack of a job, nothing mattered but her.  That was my problem though.  I invested my life into her and because of that I lost my sights.  Right now I’m even more pathetic because I am putting the blame into it.  The blame is mine I know, maybe that is why it hurts so much.  I just don’t know what happened.  Did she break up with me because she thought I was stupid? Did she break up with me because her parents disapproved or did she really just lost that spark we once had.  Maybe she was playing me all along and left me without my pride.  I don’t make sense because I am typing as I think.  I’ve been in tears today because its been a year and all I have gained is a broken heart and loneliness.  I could sure use a hug right now but I don’t know any friends that will support me.  That is also my fault.  I don’t open up to people by myself.  Holding shit is stuff I really do and it turns me into an emotional time bomb.  Even when I try to sleep she’s in my dreams.  My parents try to be supportive but saying shit you’ll find someone better is too generic to me.  They always tell me to be more spiritual and god will help me.  So I’ve began to go to church again but so far I’m still hurting.  People tell me time will heal the wounds but I guess that only works if you allow it. 

This weekend I plan to do some more reflecting.  Reflecting on my life mending my heart and hoping fall will come.  I hate summer.