I look on tumblr today to find out I have a follower from the staff?  I never requested to follow them.   After that I realized that people that are on your contacts list on your email can apparently follow you.  I guess I can’t call this my little hideaway after all.  Eventually someone will find me and be curious of what I have been doing these past years.

These past years… That is the one question I would like to avoid when I see someone I recognized down the street.  What have you been doing in your life?  Its that question that I believe people say either for curiosity sake or to compare their personal successes amongst each other.  Yes I know I am cynical like that.  Maybe I should just go up to them and tell them I am postponing my life. As clueless as I was in college, I am just as clueless now that ever.  I’d like to go back to school but to do what? I’ve tried pharmacy tech classes, that didn’t work out with me.  A part of me wants to start over and try out computers again.  Another part of me wants to be a mechanic, working specifically with automobiles.  The last part of me wants to become a teacher and make a difference in people’s lives.  Probably is… I don’t know how to start. 

Presently, I have been unemployed this whole time.  You would think I am bum but I have been around to take care of my dad this whole time.  It is a self sacrifice but I would like to spend a lot of time with him before its too late in my life.  I’m only 26, I have a lot of life to go to get married, have kids and find myself.  I have been doing several me things like trying to self teach myself the ukulele, relearn piano and I’m trying to work out. 

I’ve notice appearance matters I guess.  No matter how charming you can be, people still have to see you first.  Yes I am self conscious when it comes to meeting people and sometimes I believe I do have a social anxiety disorder but when I get to know someone and become comfortable its fine with me. I have met a couple of good people these past week and although I’m learning how to open up, I am trying my best.  Back to working out, I am going to start a fitness program next week after I buy the necessary equipment.  Going to buy some free weights and a pull up bar.  So far I have been working on cardio with running at least twice a week to build up my heart rate.  I also have to get more food and start cooking and eating a lot more. 

So far I have had a rough year.  Filled with so many goals, promises and excuses that happened in between.  A rough breakup with a girl who I believe is now avoiding me.  Its been nearly a month now and I am trying to move on, but its hard.  She still haunts my mind still and the memories are just too hard to let go.  I thought she would be my motivation for life, but I understand that I can base my motivation on a person.  It has to be from myself.  I’ll find someone more supportive of me later in life. 

Sadly I know the answer to my problems.  Open up.  If people know whats going on your life, they’ll become more supportive of what your trying to accomplish.  Have no job? they can help you find one.  Going through rough times? They’ve been there.  Maybe one day I can just have coffee and just express myself to someone, go all out and be truthful than live this lie of mine.  My parents know everything about me now at least, that is the first step.  When I lost her, I felt I lost pretty much all my life support.  I felt like I had no friends, no one to lean on.  Now I know that at least my parents support me whatever I decide to do… whenever I find it. 

So for all the people that find me.  What I have to say to you is that I am still breathing and I am just taking life slow.   I do get jealous of all the cool things I see in facebook but then I say to myself, once I get my act together I can express all the cool things too.  Right now I am sitting alone in my room, quietly working on myself to become ready for the world again.  I am trying to mend all the broken pieces of my life and trying to form a new me so watch out.  If you happen to see me out in public and ask me what I’m doing?  I’ll be honest, I’ll say i’m unemployed looking for work anywhere and still living at home with my parents.  At least my pride won’t be broken saying it though.  My parents so far have been the one supporting figures in my life at the moment and I appreciate everything about them.