Do you believe in such a thing?  That if you go out enough you’ll eventually run into your soul-mate.  Some people never do. Some people never try.  Some people try so hard that they they fall into a downward spiral in which they eventually give up or become negative within the subject of love.  I think I hit the latter.  I wish it was so easy, but all the people I end up falling for either don’t like me the same way or end up breaking up with me.  Whenever I do find someone, I’m so insecure with losing her that I do anything to make her happy.  I give up a lot of myself for that person.  I set myself up to lose myself and get taken advantage of.  I have lost my self identity and although I am trying to get it back,  I don’t have the passion I once had for it. 

I’ve been working out to pass time waking up at 5am to do a 6am run in the morning every weekday.  Its 2 miles around the lake I live near and I lift at nights.  I do this as a stress reliever basically.  There is so much in my life that I’m unhappy about so I take it out on myself.  I do the 2 mile run because its a chance to see friends I haven’t seen before.   Although its just for 20 mins its better than being a home. 

I guess I just really need people around me.  I lived a lot of my life alone and it was nice to have a girlfriend to socialize, flirt and bond with.  I really missed that part of love; to be secure enough to know that someone thinks about your from time to time. 

Why don’t you go out you say and stop complaining about being at home all the time.  Well right now I take care of my ailing father.  Its hard for me to find a job and to live a normal life because I have to spend most of my hours take caring of him.  Both my mom and sister work so there is no one left but me.

Anyways I am just ranting again… this is why I have this tumblr account just so I can write down whenever I sit alone and she pops into my head.  Its just to keep me at ease so I won’t have to think about her.  I’m trying to move on… but its so hard.