Song: Sam Tsui & Ahmir (Imagine) John Lennon Cover

It’s 4:30 AM and I should have been in bed around 11 PM, this is what guilt can do to you.  It slowly eats away your soul, and your mind races constantly pondering how and why you got yourself into this mess.  What is my mess?  Lying to get ahead.  I put in my job application that I have a BS Degree when really I am two classes from it.  The sad reality is that I probably have this job and I don’t know if it was because of my education or not.  If it is I am screwed and if I don’t say anything about it, I could get fired.  Admitting it to the company is the easy part.  I think the hardest part is telling my aunt who helped me get the job.   Right now I am trying to figure out the words to say and how to break it.

I’m a disappointment to everyone and it is because of this lie I created about “graduating.”  I just can’t accept the reality of being behind and the more I sink into this reality and just get further and further away.   Tainted accomplishments that I didn’t even earn.  To me the consequences are too much to burden and the risk to sink into this lie hurts a lot.  

I’m losing sleep worrying about it so I know its something big.  It shows in my personality, hiding and hiding in lies and I’m disgusted by it.  My self-esteem has never hit such a low and again I am going to fail everyone.  

I have to learn how to stop lying to myself and conquer this so I can be at peace.  I need to be able to sleep at night happy for once.   

To me today is judgement day and the day i’ll be emotionally drained.  

I don’t understand the words, but the music behind them is just so moving.  Honestly that has been what really motivates me to play piano.  I’ve been watching secret garden and the theme song is so motivating.  

I don’t know how to post youtube links here so 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aioq180g4SE&feature=related

That link about is the song I am trying to play.  

While I am at it let me list the songs I can currently play.

Eminem and Rihanna - Love the way you lie (part 1 and 2)

Rihanna - Unfaithful

My Sassy Girl - Cannon in C major

Simple Plan - How could this happen to me. 

Bruno Mars - Just the way you are

Joe - No one else comes close

Currently Learning

Micheal Bolton - I can go the distance (Disney’s Hercules Soundtrack)

Yesung Super Junior - It has to be you (Cinderella’s Sister Soundtrack [KDrama])

4men feat Mi - Here I am (Secret Garden Soundtrack [KDrama])

Yes I know … some are pretty sad songs.  But musically they are beautiful.  I am one of those people that enjoy watching the sunset from a quiet location.  A person that likes tranquility although no matter where I am I don’t feel it.  Maybe one day I can sit a top a cliff or something and admire a view with no thoughts in my head and no worries.  Especially at this point of my life there is a lot of uncertainty.  The music at the moment is my soundtrack for peace.  When I play piano (unless I get frustrated) I feel the song.  Its not just muscle memory.  Anyways maybe one day I can videotape myself playing piano for you.  I really want to master one of the current korean drama songs I am playing.  That is what I hope.

Update on life.

I have done some of the things on my list.  I went snowboarding, did some hiking on the weekends and caught up with some old high school buddies.  I just need to look for a job and I’d feel somewhat at ease.  I can only hope.

Music on Repeat: Katy Perry - Firework

I hope everyone is having an amazing start to a new year.  Right now I want to start this new year by blogging and keeping a reminder of what I have to do this new year so when I look back at the end I will not feel what I felt in 2010.  Let me list these things now.  I have divided them in to categories.

Health (Renew)

1.  Less Stressing.  

Whatever knocks you down, remember you always learn from all your mistakes.  Each mistake is a life lesson to learn from.  You can’t make too many but whatever there is trouble, access the situation and change it.

2.  Work out.  

Continue your running every other weekday and make time to go to the gym.  This involves gaining weight. Preferably another 10-15 pounds.  Your 120-125 now, make it 130-135 with muscle.

Personality (Reinvent)

1.  Find your own style.  Let 2011 be your experiment year.

A.  Go out and shop, look what is appropriate for the season and your budget.  Don’t look at brand name clothes but look for clothes that make you feel comfortable. 

B.  Try out a new haircut.

C.  Ditch the glasses and experiment with contacts.  Preferably in order to wear shades in the summer.

D.  Remember to do the things you love. Snowboarding, playing piano, art.  You have talent you just have to practice and harness it.  

2.  Improve your social life.

A.  Stop expecting people to invite you places.  Go make the events and host them.

B.  Learn to talk to strangers.  A simple hello should suffice.

C.  Be more outgoing.  Weekends get out of the house.   

3.  You have regrets?  Try doing something about it. (Revive)

A.  I never finished college.  Go do something about it.  Too scared to take out that loan.  Have confidence and do it.  

B.  Ashamed to communicate with old friends?  If they are your friends, they’ll understand what you are going through.  If they don’t understand there are many other friends that will understand.  Find your true friends.

C.  If there is a girl that you feel is attracted to you.  Ask her out on a date.  If she rejects you, you tried.  If you haven’t tried at all, then you leave with nothing.  If she rejects you you still leave with nothing.  If she says yes, then sir there is hope.  Does rejection hurt you that bad that you wouldn’t attempt it?  [Smack] Just man up and do it.

I therefore sign this new years resolution with a honesty agreement to myself.  I have underlined all my goals I wanted to fulfill and I have to promise myself that to attempt these goals for 2011. The important resolution I have to keep for new years is to be honest with myself, family and friends.  I  have this tendency to keep things to myself and it ends up hurting me later on.  I already have my goals in my head.  I  just need to write it down as a reminder or a means to organize my thoughts on paper, or as in this case digital paper.  

Here’s to 2011.  May you fulfill all the goals you hoped for.  

Renew, Reinvent and Revive yourself Vince.  This is your year.

Signed,

Don (Vince) Legaspi

I’ve been watching this korean drama: playful kiss a lot.  Its a cute drama with my favorite korean actor kim hyun joong.  Its about girl that’s obsessed with a boy and although the boy doesn’t like her at first, he slowly falls in love with her.  Anyways the episode I saw (sorry for the spoiler) is that they share a bed for the first time.   It got me thinking about sharing a bed for the first time with a girl.  Most of those nights I hardly ever slept because I always felt so lucky to have her by my side.  Just that extra warmth made my sleep more peaceful.  Although because I snore sometimes, sleep wasn’t really good on her end. 

I sleep alone now in my bed, although I can sleep most of the times I lie awake and just remember that beautiful face I used to stare at when she slept.  I remember seeing her wake up in the mornings all groggy and thought it was the cutest thing.  I really loved being the first one she would see on that day.  I really missed making coffee for the both of us while we talked about our weird dreams or her complaining on how she didn’t get enough sleep because of my snoring.  Its really hard to adjust to sleeping alone now.  Although I have a blanket to keep me warm, its not the same.  Its definitely not the same…

I’m sorry to disappoint you.  I am not the person you envisioned me to be.  I am not smart, I am not that tall.  I can’t sing, dance great, write amazing lyrics.  I don’t read books much, my grammar is bad.  Most of the time I don’t say anything because I can’t put the write words down to say them.  I’m always afraid of what I say because everything I said before came back at me negatively.  I’m sorry I couldn’t support you financially due this economic system. Sorry if you felt embarrassed by me.  Sorry if people told you that you could have done better. 

But you know what you should be sorry for.  Losing someone that gave a lot for you.  Someone who loved the way you look every morning when you woke up.  Someone that thought he was the luckiest person in the world because he had you.  Someone that never cheated on you and was honest with you every single day. 

I’m sorry that I’m finally letting you go. 

Do you believe in such a thing?  That if you go out enough you’ll eventually run into your soul-mate.  Some people never do. Some people never try.  Some people try so hard that they they fall into a downward spiral in which they eventually give up or become negative within the subject of love.  I think I hit the latter.  I wish it was so easy, but all the people I end up falling for either don’t like me the same way or end up breaking up with me.  Whenever I do find someone, I’m so insecure with losing her that I do anything to make her happy.  I give up a lot of myself for that person.  I set myself up to lose myself and get taken advantage of.  I have lost my self identity and although I am trying to get it back,  I don’t have the passion I once had for it. 

I’ve been working out to pass time waking up at 5am to do a 6am run in the morning every weekday.  Its 2 miles around the lake I live near and I lift at nights.  I do this as a stress reliever basically.  There is so much in my life that I’m unhappy about so I take it out on myself.  I do the 2 mile run because its a chance to see friends I haven’t seen before.   Although its just for 20 mins its better than being a home. 

I guess I just really need people around me.  I lived a lot of my life alone and it was nice to have a girlfriend to socialize, flirt and bond with.  I really missed that part of love; to be secure enough to know that someone thinks about your from time to time. 

Why don’t you go out you say and stop complaining about being at home all the time.  Well right now I take care of my ailing father.  Its hard for me to find a job and to live a normal life because I have to spend most of my hours take caring of him.  Both my mom and sister work so there is no one left but me.

Anyways I am just ranting again… this is why I have this tumblr account just so I can write down whenever I sit alone and she pops into my head.  Its just to keep me at ease so I won’t have to think about her.  I’m trying to move on… but its so hard.

I saw her online today.  I decided to say hello thinking today will be the day I will test to see how much I have moved on.  I found out she was in Los Angeles last week and hung out with a mutual friend of mine.  Why did she have to say that?  We could’ve had a nice conversation without her even mentioning she was down in LA.  Maybe she’s just trying to make me jealous on purpose or something.  I easily put two and two together because I knew this guy would be down in LA and now she tells me she was here last week of course they would have met up.  That’s not too hard to figure out.  I thought it wouldn’t other me and when she told me it didn’t bother me.  Its just afterward when I thought about it I couldn’t hold it any longer and went outside to catch my breathe.  No, I wasn’t over her yet.  I keep telling myself to calm down,  to move on.  I have tears but they don’t come down anymore.  I guess that’s what it means to be all cried out. 

I go hiking every now and the feeling when your at a top of a mountain is the best feeling of the world.  When I gaze over the houses and the millions around me.  I tell myself she’s somewhere out there.  I just have to wait and I’ll run into her one day. 

Today was a test for me.  It didn’t go so well but now I know my heart still needs fixing.  A lot of my life still needs fixing but I’m still young, there is still more to life I haven’t seen. 

P.S - I have 1 follower.  I don’t know who you are and why you would want to hear me rant about my emotional roller-coaster of doom, but thank you for reading.

Its been one month since she broke up with me.  This weekend would make the year she first came down to Los Angeles.  I remember that day,  I didn’t get lost.  I parked at the corner of the street and she came outside to greet me.  When I first saw her I swore time stopped and I couldn’t imagine how beautiful she was.  I spent a lot of good weekends at that place.  I made it my second home.  To me she was a fresh breathe of air from my secluded life at home.  It made me feel so alive again.  With her nothing mattered, failures from school, lack of a job, nothing mattered but her.  That was my problem though.  I invested my life into her and because of that I lost my sights.  Right now I’m even more pathetic because I am putting the blame into it.  The blame is mine I know, maybe that is why it hurts so much.  I just don’t know what happened.  Did she break up with me because she thought I was stupid? Did she break up with me because her parents disapproved or did she really just lost that spark we once had.  Maybe she was playing me all along and left me without my pride.  I don’t make sense because I am typing as I think.  I’ve been in tears today because its been a year and all I have gained is a broken heart and loneliness.  I could sure use a hug right now but I don’t know any friends that will support me.  That is also my fault.  I don’t open up to people by myself.  Holding shit is stuff I really do and it turns me into an emotional time bomb.  Even when I try to sleep she’s in my dreams.  My parents try to be supportive but saying shit you’ll find someone better is too generic to me.  They always tell me to be more spiritual and god will help me.  So I’ve began to go to church again but so far I’m still hurting.  People tell me time will heal the wounds but I guess that only works if you allow it. 

This weekend I plan to do some more reflecting.  Reflecting on my life mending my heart and hoping fall will come.  I hate summer.

I look on tumblr today to find out I have a follower from the staff?  I never requested to follow them.   After that I realized that people that are on your contacts list on your email can apparently follow you.  I guess I can’t call this my little hideaway after all.  Eventually someone will find me and be curious of what I have been doing these past years.

These past years… That is the one question I would like to avoid when I see someone I recognized down the street.  What have you been doing in your life?  Its that question that I believe people say either for curiosity sake or to compare their personal successes amongst each other.  Yes I know I am cynical like that.  Maybe I should just go up to them and tell them I am postponing my life. As clueless as I was in college, I am just as clueless now that ever.  I’d like to go back to school but to do what? I’ve tried pharmacy tech classes, that didn’t work out with me.  A part of me wants to start over and try out computers again.  Another part of me wants to be a mechanic, working specifically with automobiles.  The last part of me wants to become a teacher and make a difference in people’s lives.  Probably is… I don’t know how to start. 

Presently, I have been unemployed this whole time.  You would think I am bum but I have been around to take care of my dad this whole time.  It is a self sacrifice but I would like to spend a lot of time with him before its too late in my life.  I’m only 26, I have a lot of life to go to get married, have kids and find myself.  I have been doing several me things like trying to self teach myself the ukulele, relearn piano and I’m trying to work out. 

I’ve notice appearance matters I guess.  No matter how charming you can be, people still have to see you first.  Yes I am self conscious when it comes to meeting people and sometimes I believe I do have a social anxiety disorder but when I get to know someone and become comfortable its fine with me. I have met a couple of good people these past week and although I’m learning how to open up, I am trying my best.  Back to working out, I am going to start a fitness program next week after I buy the necessary equipment.  Going to buy some free weights and a pull up bar.  So far I have been working on cardio with running at least twice a week to build up my heart rate.  I also have to get more food and start cooking and eating a lot more. 

So far I have had a rough year.  Filled with so many goals, promises and excuses that happened in between.  A rough breakup with a girl who I believe is now avoiding me.  Its been nearly a month now and I am trying to move on, but its hard.  She still haunts my mind still and the memories are just too hard to let go.  I thought she would be my motivation for life, but I understand that I can base my motivation on a person.  It has to be from myself.  I’ll find someone more supportive of me later in life. 

Sadly I know the answer to my problems.  Open up.  If people know whats going on your life, they’ll become more supportive of what your trying to accomplish.  Have no job? they can help you find one.  Going through rough times? They’ve been there.  Maybe one day I can just have coffee and just express myself to someone, go all out and be truthful than live this lie of mine.  My parents know everything about me now at least, that is the first step.  When I lost her, I felt I lost pretty much all my life support.  I felt like I had no friends, no one to lean on.  Now I know that at least my parents support me whatever I decide to do… whenever I find it. 

So for all the people that find me.  What I have to say to you is that I am still breathing and I am just taking life slow.   I do get jealous of all the cool things I see in facebook but then I say to myself, once I get my act together I can express all the cool things too.  Right now I am sitting alone in my room, quietly working on myself to become ready for the world again.  I am trying to mend all the broken pieces of my life and trying to form a new me so watch out.  If you happen to see me out in public and ask me what I’m doing?  I’ll be honest, I’ll say i’m unemployed looking for work anywhere and still living at home with my parents.  At least my pride won’t be broken saying it though.  My parents so far have been the one supporting figures in my life at the moment and I appreciate everything about them.

Indisposition.  Why did I pick that?  Well I’m listening to a song right now from 500 days of summer.  Its called sweet disposition.  I looked up the meaning of disposition and it means a person state of mind.  Right now my state of mind is pretty cloudy.  I’ve been confused and lost this past month and like some people in this world I’ve still trying to find my place in this world. 

I thought I found that place when I found her.  Honestly I never really expected I’d meet someone in a while but she sorta found me.  What started out as first acquaintances became more meaningful to me.  I don’t know why I feel for her,  we had nothing in common.  Maybe I was just awestruck by her beauty which blinded me.  I wanted to do anything she did.  I wanted to read her books, I wanted to do her hobbies, I wanted to go hiking.   Problem is I never really stood up for myself.  She never liked what I liked doing: watching tv, sports, snowboarding.  Although when I come to think about it, I don’t really have much hobbies to begin with.  I used to webdesign and I used to write blogs hence why I am starting this up again.  I don’t think this will last long. 

Long story short, my heart is broken.  I came out of this relationship like most people who end up on the short end.  I lost, confused, wondered what the fuck happened.  Mainly I am wondering why she never had the guts to actually say anything about it.  Made me wonder what my worth was to her.  Probably nothing, this whole year throw away and burned up in a cloud of smoke. 

Right now i’m going through the healing process.  I have a couple of good friends helping me out.  Thank god for friends.